speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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