I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
