I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
