I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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