my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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