You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
