I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
