If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
