she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
