You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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