seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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