What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
