I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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