I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
