I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
