Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
