what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
