I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
