hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
