my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
