i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
