Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
