i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
