i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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