I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
