Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
