i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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