I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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