Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
