So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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