$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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