So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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