I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
