We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
