he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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