No stitches, just platelets and will power
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
