My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
