if i can run in heels then i can drive
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
