Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
