I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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