My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
