first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
