alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have tasted many bathrooms
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
