So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
