Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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