There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
