you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
