it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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