did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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