I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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