she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
