her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
