my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
