Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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