I wish I only lived at night.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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