I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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