My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
