did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
