That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
