I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
