I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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