his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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