I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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