kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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