I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
