I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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