Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
